It's two months now since I lost Graham and at the beginning of November, according to his wishes, I "scattered" his ashes in the spot he had chosen within the Model Village - a place where he had worked in the past, spent many happy hours there over the years and dearly loved. Two weeks ago Max also moved out - it had been on the cards for months, but finally happened when he and the lads he's sharing with found a suitable house to rent. It's not too far away, a few minutes in a car and close enough to walk to, but suddenly the house has become much quieter - no Graham, no Max, just Mia and I rattling around together and getting used (if that's possible) to being on our own - I've been busy clearing out rubbish, saving all those items that are meaningful, rearranging bits and pieces and generally trying to get on with living - Graham wouldn't have wanted me to mope about, that's for sure.
I certainly haven't felt very creative, though I have found some calm and relaxation in a bit of knitting. On Sunday I pulled out all the Christmas decos and began to decorate the tree - it's the first time I've had to sort out the fairy lights by myself and although I got in a bit of a tangle wrapping them round the tree, I did manage it and the finished tree does look lovely as ever - it adds a cheery sparkle to the place (I played some carols and burnt a spicy candle at the same time to enhance the mood and I must admit I did feel calm and peaceful by the end). Graham was a bit of a "bah humbug" man, but he usually mellowed down into the Christmas spirit by Christmas Day! Mia of course is doing her usual slinking around "I'm scared of the tinsel!" trick at the moment but she'll get over it, I'm sure!
So ....... Christmas this year will have a very different feel to it - Lindsay and I will be spending it together at my house and Max is joining us for Christmas dinner - that's a definite, he won't miss that, though he's working the rest of the holidays. And then, who knows what the New Year will bring? Whatever I feel, the ups and downs inside myself, a new chapter in my life will begin and I'm determined to remain positive for the future. In the meantime, I wish you all the very best for a peaceful and happy Christmas.
